apparently the secret to your success is patron
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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