38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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