Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
