I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
