I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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