Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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