3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
