There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
