found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
