This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
