Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
