FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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