I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
