Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
