ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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