My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
