I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
