I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
