never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
