Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
