I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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