Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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