you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
love makes seman taste better
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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