I've blown a few things in my day
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
