If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
