The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
