I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
