so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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