3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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