why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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