I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
