i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
