I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
