haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My ass is underappreciated
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
