I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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