Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
