This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
