i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
