Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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