living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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