he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize