recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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