I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
