Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
