Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
