I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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