Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
