How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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