a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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