Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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